Drip Dry Bums

A couple of weeks ago, our Mortgage Broker Lissette (she’s Fran’s cousin, and one damn fine broker -- I couldn’t begin to count the thousands upon thousands of dollars she’s saved us over the years. If you’re in the Hamilton-Burlington area and looking for a better deal on your mortgage, by all means call Lissette now) was telling us about the new home that she bought.

She described all the rooms to us, most of which, I must admit, bounced right off of my forehead without penetrating. But when she described the master bathroom, she’d said there was a bidet.

That stuck.

In fact, I haven’t been able to think about much since. You see, I’ve never used a bidet, but I’ve always wondered the etiquette surrounding one. Okay, sure, you sit on it, or crouch over it, or hobble overtop of it - whatever - you push a lever and this flow of water shoots up and cleans your bottom for you. I imagine it’s not cold water, but somehow warmed -- no? If it’s cold water then man that’s gotta be a shock first thing in the morning. Okay, so the reverse Niagara Falls flow cleans up the mess. But then what? Do you still need toilet paper to dry off? Do you just sit there and drip dry? Is there a special bidet towel (or series of towels - I mean you don’t want to use a towel someone else has already used, do you?) Or are there fancy bidet’s out there with a warm air blower that dries your bum for you?

Sometimes I wish I could stop my mind from doing all that useless wondering about minor trivial matters. But I'm hoping I can have it all figured out before our first visit to Lissette's. I can see it now, Mark disappears into the washroom and is gone for an hour -- insert Peter Sellers/Mr. Bean type antics here.