Getting Along With Your Brother

I was raised an only child, so I don't have many of those "stop touching me" or "stop looking at me" stories from the back seat.

And, since Francine and I only have one child, I don't really have many of those "father yelling from the front seat at the children" stories to share.

So I'll do what I do best - I'll use my imagination to create some.

Saturday morning, our bunny Scotty (Mr. Scotty Nibbles III) found a new friend: Herman. (Herman is a stuffed ape that my Dad bought for me for Valentine's Day just a week before he died; so, though Herman is a bit goofy looking and gigantic -- yes, it was my Dad's idea of a joke, because when I was a child I had always wanted a monkey -- he means a lot to me) 

Scotty, who rarely sits for long, sat for half an hour beside Herman. It was so cute that I had to take a picture. Then, he started to get cozy and nest himself between Herman's legs, pulling down the ape's arms to cover himself.  It was quite adorable until Scotty started to chew on Herman's legs and pull the stuffing out of him to further pad his nest.

"Scotty, stop chewing on your brother!" I scolded.  I didn't take a picture of that mess.

Then, later that day, we went as a family to see Iron Man 3.  I moved Barnaby from the front seat to the back so that Francine could ride shotgun. (Yes, Barnaby, my skeleton, rides with me - not so I can get in the HOV lanes, but simply because there's no good place in the house to store him, and, since Barnaby comes with me to book signings, it's easier to have him in the car already.

Besides, it's fun to make the other motorists do a double-take, and it's a great ice-breaker when I'm at the gas station or getting in to my car in a public parking lot.  (And yes, I have a small front cover image of my book Haunted Hamilton within site -- I figure, if people are looking, they might as well see some self-promotional stuff)

Barnaby's head sometimes shifts around when I'm driving (a great side-effect to help further freak out fellow motorists), but Alexander gets angry whenever the skeleton's head shifts over to look at him.

"Dad, tell Barnaby to stop looking at me!" Alexander was yelling from the back seat. When the skeleton didn't comply (how could he, after all?), Alexander started poking him in the head until the head swiveled away from him.

I imagined Barnaby replying, "Dad, tell Alexander to stop poking me!"

"Alright," I yelled. "Knock it off, both of you. Barnaby, stop staring blankly at Alexander, you know he doesn't like that. And wipe that goofy grin off your face. And Alexander, stop punching your brother in the head."

At that point Francine did what she always does:  she shook her head and wondered why she ever married me.

A Tip For Ontario Procrastinators

So last night I was panicking - every year when my birthday rolls around, I always leave getting the new stickers for my license plates renewed.  And, honestly, I tend to forget when my own birthday is coming around.

As a father, I'm WAY more excited about my son's forthcoming birthday than I am about my own -- it was my wife who reminded me about my birthday when she started baking a cake yesterday.

In any case, I was trying to figure out when I was going to get a chance to get my plate stickers renewed (particularly after they remove the kiosk that used to be in Limeridge Mall in Hamilton)

So I decided to open that annual renewal reminder envelope they had mailed me months ago -- you know, the one that sits on the counter for months unopened, and is often opened at the last possible minute in desperation -- to determine if I needed a "Drive Clean" inspection done before my renewal would be accepted.

In the accompanying literature (which most folks normally don't read), I noticed a great option that I hadn't spotted before.

Online plate sticker renewal.

Yes.  Available at http://www.ontario.ca/serviceontario

Now how cool is that?

You fill in the information, pay online, print a slip to keep with you while the stickers are mailed to you (to show to police if you  happen to get pulled over) -- and there's no waiting in those long line-ups with all the other folks who waited to the last minute.

(Of course, one perk of waiting in those lines is, if you see them there with the Ontario plate sticker renewal form, you can usually say: "Happy Birthday" to a stranger and be confident that it's either their birthday or pretty close to it.  Seeing a stranger, smiling as if you know then, saying it's good to see them again and wishing them a Happy Birthday, then watching the confused look on their face as they try to figure out who you are is always an amusing way to pass that time in line)

Commuting Companion

Meet Barnaby, my new commuting companion.

No, he won't get me into the HOV lanes on my daily drive from Hamilton to Toronto.

But he'll provide a bit of amusement from the second looks and stunned reaction from my fellow commuters.

The real reason Barnaby, my new pose-able skeleton, was in my car was because I have been bringing him to my Haunted Hamilton book signings along with my other "spooky" decorations. But I got such funny looks yesterday on my way to and from a signing that I thought I should leave Barnaby strapped in to my passenger seat for a while.

If I Did The Morning Traffic Report

Public Domain use image from Wikipedia

Every morning on my drive in from Hamilton to Toronto, I love listening to Ben, Kerry & Shawna of Y108, a Hamilton rock radio station. Their fun banter helps alleviate the morning traffic blahs.  And the regular traffic reports by the chipper Cara Graham are something I also appreciate. 


Cara's pleasant voice makes even the bad news seem not as grim.  But, with all due respect, I think about how Cara and other morning traffic reporters tend to sugar-coat the morning traffic with terms such as "seeing a bit of volume" and "starting to fill in" rather than what it really means.

That's why, if I were doing the morning traffic, I'd be a bit more tempted for it to sound like this.

Good morning, this is Mark Leslie, your Y108 traffic reporter. Yes, I know, this job is like being the weather man when all you have is constant showers on the weekend. But suck it up, sunshine, you've got to head in to work and the truth is, it's not going to be a pleasant drive at all.  Here's the dirt:


The QEW coming in on the Skyway bridge is starting to fill in. And by fill in, I mean it's looking like the parking situation in the neighbourhood near Ivor Wynne stadium just before a big game.  You'd be better off jumping off the bridge onto a canoe and paddling your way in to downtown Toronto.


We're seeing a bit of volume where the QEW and 403 meet in Burlington. And by volume I mean the loud screams of the drivers who are yelling at each other because of the idiots who don't use their signal and cut everyone else off by racing up the merge lane and cutting in at the last minute.  At this point you'll likely be kicking yourself that you didn't take the 407 toll highway.


By the time you pass Walker's Line you're really better off just parking your car and getting out and walking -- you'll get there faster.  Between Appleby and Burloak you'll find there are more jackasses whose constant lane changes end up slowing down two full lanes of traffic.


As you near Erin Mills you'll come to realize that traffic is at a dead stop because 5 years ago some idiot slowed because they saw a shiny object on the side of the road that they thought was a penny.  Experts estimate that we'll still be seeing the effects of that slow down for another three years.


Heading further into Mississauga you might as well put your car in reverse -- that'll likely get you to your destination faster. If you take a glance out your window, you might just see a chain of ants zipping past your car.  Seriously, there's no other way to describe the traffic at this point other than stupid.

And if you make it all the way to the Gardner without repeatedly banging your head into a bloody pulp on the dashboard out of sheer frustration or having a stroke because of your consistently elevated blood pressure, you might want to pull the horseshoe out of your ass and stop in at the nearest convenience store to buy a lottery ticket for this week's Lotto 649, which is bringing you this morning's traffic report.  

Lotto 649:  Just imagine not having to deal with this bullshit.

And that's what my morning traffic report would be.  Simple. Honest. And pointing fingers at the small handful of idiots who make the drive worse for pretty much everyone else because of their selfishness.  I'm pretty sure there's a special place in hell reserved for these assholes. 

Of course, my positive attitude about the whole thing is which is why I'll never get a stint as a traffic reporter.

All joking aside, getting frustrated just causes more grey hair.  Which is why, after ten to fifteen minutes of getting my morning fix of the cool folks at Y108, I tend to sit back and relax and listen to an audio book in the car.  I figure, if I'm going to be stuck in traffic, I might as well do something productive and useful such as "read" a book.  Of course, this morning, having already finished the latest audio book in my queue, I composed this blog post in my head.