Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Bachelor Daze: Just Take Those Old Cliches Off The Shelf

It happens every time.

Whenever I'm going to be at home alone for any stretch of time (this week Francine and Alexander are hanging out up north at my Mom's), I have all these dreams and fantasies about being a bachelor, about living the life I used to (or often dreamed of living) back when I was a single man.

First I imagine the simple things such as sitting in the living room in my underwear and eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery (a la George Costanza in Seinfeld).

Then, thinking how crude that would be, I imagine lounging around in a red silk bathrobe, puffing on a pipe and sipping scotch in a moment of relaxation before the flock of Playboy bunnies come into the room and start an exotic pillow fight (a la Hugh Hefner).

I usually enjoy that thought for several minutes before moving along to the idea of just drinking beer and renting really bad movies that Francine won't ever want to watch, or of calling up some friends and seeing if they want to go hang out in Hess Village and see who can out-drink who.

I have visions of staying up all night just farting around on the internet, of leaving the toilet seat up, of whizzing with the door open (a la Homer Simpson) or of putting on an old Bob Seger album and dancing around in my underwear (a la Tom Cruise in Risky Business) or maybe just putting on "Who Wears Short Shorts" and singing along to that (a la Homer Simpson again)

Dozens of fantasies swirl in my head in the days leading up to my bachelor week. But when it comes right down to it, I end up feeling lonely and longing just to see or talk to Francine and Alexander. Oh, and for the record, here's what I've ended up doing and planning for this week:

1) Buying groceries
2) Mowing the lawn
3) Watering the flowers every night
4) Putting a new rail on the back deck
5) Vacuuming and dusting the house
6) Making actual meals (with meat and vegetables) and sitting down at a table and eating them (rather than in front of the television)
7) Actually washing the dishes right after I finish eating rather than leaving them until the end of the week
8) Working on cleaning up the library/den where I write
9) Actually getting some writing done
10) Calling Francine and Alexander multiple times a day

And then I realize that, while life was pretty decent and certainly lots of fun when I was single and free to do whatever I want, whenever I wanted, what really comforts me, what really gives me my strength as a person are the two most significant relationships in my life -- my role as a husband and a father.

So I spend my time keeping myself busy with the chores that need to get done, missing Francine and Alexander and looking forward to seeing them again.


lecram sinun said...

Though making a video (a la Tom Cruise in Risky Business) would be fun... while you can. It would certainly fill the "keeping busy"quotient.

Rylie :0) said...

i always get the urge to do something interesting when i'm the only one in the house... but somehow i just end up either waatching a movie or writing something

lime said...

i dunno....the fantasy of a man cooking then cleaning up the dishes right away is somethign i'd be as excited to watch as the average guy grooving on the bunny pillow fight...

i've said it before, i will say it again. you guys are blessed. i know the reunion will be wonderful.