Spud Wars: A New Hopelessness (A Star Wars Parody)

As a writer, I have, lately, been recognizing the value of recycling, or re-using, old material into newer forms.

Come to think of it, perhaps I have regularly taken that approach. I'm only just starting to recognize it now.

"I, Death," a 1000 word short story I wrote in the mid 1980s in my second year of high school was re-imagined into a serialized horror story in blog format in 2006. That same story was slightly revised and rolled out again in 2012, and then it was later adapted into a novel that came out in 2014.

A ghost story that I made up to scare students when I was teaching drama as part of a summer program at Carleton University (Prospero's Ghost) was re-adapted over the years to be set within the context of almost every new bookstore I worked at between 1992 and 2008, to entertain and frighten fellow bookstore employees. That story then got re-envisioned to take place at McMaster University when Kimberly Foottit and I co-authored "Prospero's Ghost" to be included in the anthology Campus Chills, which was released in 2009.

And yesterday, for May the Fourth, 2020. I released a silly parody video called Spud Wars: A New Hopelessness.

Spud Wars: A New Hopelessness

I spent a few hours on Sunday May 3rd working on the parody, which basically stars me playing every role, with not much in terms of costumes, makeup, or even acting ability, a Darth Tater Mr. Potato Head, and our dog, Maya. I then added in a few visual effects.

It is, of course, silly, and self-reflective, and produced with virtually no budget and a hastily written outline.

Of course, the parody video was based on the Spud Wars series rolled out on this blog, originally in 2006, and then re-vised and re-edited/crafted in 2011.

Spud Wars: The original text/photo story

That original Spud Wars series was a text and photo based serialized story inspired by a a simple photo I'd taken of myself unmasking Darth Tater.

The original storyline, of course, actually had somewhat of a plot, which involves Darth Tater wanting to get revenge because I ate his father (as a plate of French Fries the night before) - he attacks, I am knocked out. The story continues in The Carb-Eater Strikes Back where I seek help from the wise old Yoda-figure mentor, Mister Bunny. He advises me to "use the forks" which I do to defeat the spud. The story continues in Return of the Spud-Eye where Darth also seeks help from the same old master, who advises that he clone himself.

At that point, the story devolves in terms of storyline and trying to parallel the original Star Wars movies, because the next chapter is Darth Comes Knocking - and then trying to adapt cloning into it (in recognition of the Star Wars prequel movies), with titles like Darth's Revenge Part I and Part II, followed by Mark's Last Stand where I am defeated by the clone army of Taters.

I then, of course, adapted a picture of Alexander man-handling my camera when he was about 18 months old . . .

The story continues with Alex Attacks and then more episodes, including images of Alexander fighting a bunch of the Tater clones in The Final Standoff, then coming to a truce and playing video games (because all this violence makes them want to play video games) in All This Violence.

It was supposed to end there, but I'm a sucker for cliffhanger endings, and so had someone creeping up on them at the end of that one, and the story ends with Spud Wars: The Conclusion and Spud Wars: Epilogue.

It was a fun 12 part serialized story.

Of course, writing a parody script to a few images and shooting an entire sequence of these things are two different things. Alexander most certainly wouldn't participate in it with me, and he's no longer 18 months old. He is 15. Most of the additional Star Wars Mr. Potato Head figures are in Liz's office at the school, so I only had the one Darth Tater in my office at home to use. Not to mention, I had less than 24 hours from conception of the movie trailer parody to wanting to release it on May the Fourth, Star Wars Day.

That is why the recent adaptation is so different than the original scrip.

The lesson, of course, is a concrete example of why the movie version and the original text-based version are so different.

No wait, the lesson is that re-adapting and re-imagining an idea can take many different forms and formats, over the years. It's all part of the creative process of being a storyteller.

Well that's neat. I started writing this thinking there would be a lesson about re-using and re-cycling ideas into different forms and I also ended up exploring one of the many reasons why a movie adaptation of a book, or comic can't possibly be the same thing, that it has to become it's own unique  entity, it's own unique experience.

Two conclusions for the price of one.

I'll take that as a win.

HNT - Spud Wars: Epilogue

Continued from HNT - Spud Wars: The Conclusion

As father and son were celebrating the defeat of their foe, Darth Tater, they failed to hear the creaking of someone coming down the steps.

A shadow fell across them, and they both froze, wondering how the two of them could possible be caught unawares, this father and son team being so crafty and clever and cunning (not to mention their fondness for alliteration).



"What the heck is going on here?" A loud voice boomed through the basement.

Oh no! It was Francine (known to Mark as Wife, Partner, Honey Bunny to Alexander as Mom, Mommy, Meow-meow and to both as She Who Must Be Obeyed)

And Francine was not at all pleased. One might even say she was angry. But why waste words trying to explain how she was feeling? Why TELL? It's a poor storyteller tactic. It's much better to SHOW.

"What kind of trouble are you two getting into NOW?" Francine asked, shaking her head. "And WHAT have you done with the Darth Tater toy that I bought you for Christmas? You've completely destroyed it."


"But, hon, we . . . that is . . . I . . . er," Mark tried to stammer out an excuse while Alexander simply tried to crawl away and hide.

"I can understand this from Alexander. He's not even two years old. But YOU!" Fran said. "You're supposed to be the adult here. And you should learn to take better care of your things. Just look at that toy -- it's busted into a million pieces."



"It's really only about a dozen or so pieces," Mark muttered.

"Pardon me?"

"I said, it's only about a dozen pieces."

"Don't get saucy with me, mister!"

"Hon, listen." Mark said in a whiny voice. "We were playing. You know, fun make believe stuff. It was all part of our important father and son bonding. And besides, we got at least one or two people from all over the world who read my blog excited about the whole Darth Tater Spud Wars serial story. Again! Because don't you know this has been a re-telling of the original tale we told back in 2006."

"Don't get all: 'explain the circumstance and back-story through dialogue' with me, mister. Besides, you're making this confusing."

"Yes, I suppose I have been messing with the time-space continuum of this tale's supposed fictional realm, with Alexander now 6 years old and Mister Bunny having been dead since the year I first told this story. But it was fun sharing this story again. And fun to go back and re-experience it. Re-edit some stuff. Re-imagine some dialogue moments like the one we're having right now that never occurred for this long in the original version of the tale."

Francine smiled, then started to laugh. "Well, okay, since you were using your imaginations, and also using the Internet for anything other than watching Lego Star Wars videos or downloading porn, than I guess it's okay."

"What's porn?" Alexander asked.

"Er, it's a new type of vegetable that hasn't really caught on. A hybrid between peas and corn." Mark said.

"Anyways," Francine said. "I suppose you two are not in trouble anymore."

"Yaaaa!" Both Mark and Alexander said.


"Now c'mon. Get cleaned up! Supper is ready. I'm sure all this adventure and make-believe has given you a huge appetite."

"Yummm," Mark said. "What are we having?"

"Smashed potatoes and tater tots!" Francine said.

"Yaaaaaaa!" Both Mark and Alexander cheered again.

The End

Yes, it's true.

This long-winded re-run/re-boot of the Spud Wars serial adventure is finally over!

Thanks for reading!

* Please note that no actual toys or potatoes were harmed during the making of this serialized tale. 

(Although Alexander did bang his knee, Mark got rug burn and Francine needed to take some Advil)

(Also, the toys on the floor in this story DID eventually get cleaned up, but newer toys - toys enjoyed by 6 year olds and 42 year olds alike are sprawled all over that same space. Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose) 

* The font used for the SPUD WARS logo above came from Boba Fonts on Fontspace - check out all their cool designs.

HNT - Spud Wars: The Conclusion

This blog post is a serialized story continued from HNT - Spud Wars: All This Violence


As Alexander and Darth Tater were playing violent video games, the shadows behind them shifted and moved.

Out of the shadows came a hand -- a startlingly familiar hand - a large hand, belonging, perhaps, to a man with large hands and large feet. A hand that was holding a fork!


It was Mark!

Mark?  But he was supposedly dead.

"But, you're dead." Darth muttered as he was hoisted into the air by the power of the fork. "I killed you myself! I saw it with my own eyes. And since I'm a potato I have a lot of eyes, so I saw it really, really well."

"You killed the evil Mark, not me." Mark said, laughing madly. "Didn't you notice his facial hair?"

"Aw, that's not fair," Darth Tater said. "It's the old evil Captain Kirk 'goatee' thing."

"It's called a van Dyke, not a goatee!"

"Whatever! But this is not fair at all. This is supposed to be a spoof of Star Wars, not Star Trek."

"Spoof is a spoof is a spoof," Mark said. "It's all fair game. And now, your game is up, Tater." And with that cliched statement, Mark bit down into his enemy.

Mark and Alexander then took turns snacking on their enemy.

"Mmm," Alexander said. "I love potato. Try the arm, Daddy. It's just like a French Fry."

"Mumfh klpsp," Mark said, his mouth too full of spud pieces to respond intelligently. But it sounded an awful lot like: 'Could use a little ketchup.'


When the victory snack was finished, the father and son team yelled "High Five!" and then started to do their happy dance.

But they didn't hear the creaking of someone coming down the stairs . . .

To be continued . . . in HNT - Spud Wars: Epilogue

Don't worry, the story is over - we just have that whole Epilogue thing to put full closure on the tale, which you'll find here next week in the re-booted tale of . . .

* The font used for the SPUD WARS logo above came from Boba Fonts on Fontspace - check out all their cool designs.

HNT - Spud Wars: All This Violence

This blog post is a serialized story continued from HNT - Spud Wars: The Final Standoff


As Alexander put Darth Tater into an unbreakable half nelson, Darth said: "I give, I give. But please put me down, I have something important to say."

"Wait a minute," Alexander said. "That's not how it happened. That's not the exact dialogue. You're changing the story."

"It's called creative licence, kid!" A disembodied voice said. "You need to bring the reader up to speed in a continuing story by summing up the very last bit of the previous episode."

"Yes, but that's lying, isn't it? My parents said lying is not good, and if I lie they will take my favourite toys away. What do you suggest I do in this predicament?"

There was a long pause before the disembodied voice finally said: "Please, just get on with it. Darth said he had something important to say. In response, you say?"


"Okay," Alexander said. "I'm all ears."

"That's funny," Darth said. "Because I'm all eyes. Get it? Eyes? A potato that's all eyes?"

"It's not funny if you have to explain it," Alexander sighed. "That's one of the reasons why this story is such a flop. Now tell me what you wanted to say."

"I wanted to say that if you look at it, we're even. Your father ate my father as a pile of french fries, and I slaughtered your father. So we're even. We should call a truce."


"Hmm," Alexander said. "You do have a point. Maybe we should call a truce."

"Ah," said Darth. "This feels good."

"It sure does," Alexander responded. "But you know what? All this violence makes me want to play violent video games."

"Yeah," Darth said with a grin. "Me too."


And so the two sat down and turned on the X-Box and started to play violent video games, proving the age old belief that violence in the real world breeds the desire to play violent video games (and that if you have to repeatedly explain a joke, it's not all that funny to begin with).

"This is a cool game," Darth said. "What's it called?"

"Astrosmash!" Alexander said. "It's a game my Dad used to play when he was really young on his Intellivision game system."

"Your Dad was young once?"

"Yes, apparently. You wouldn't know to look at him now, though."

"Hmm, I COULD picture him as a bald little baby."


As they were engaged in their game and chit-chat, neither of them seemed to notice a strange shadow creeping up behind them . . .

To be continued . . . in HNT - Spud Wars: The Conclusion

Does real world violence actually lead to the playing of violent video games, or is it the other way around? When do fish sleep? What is the sound of one hand clapping? If a tree falls on a blog that nobody reads, does it still make a sound? Okay, you'll find the answer to none of these questions, but you WILL find out who is creeping up behind Darth Tater and Alexander in next week's concluding episode of . . .

* The font used for the SPUD WARS logo above came from Boba Fonts on Fontspace - check out all their cool designs.

HNT - Spud Wars: The Final Standoff

This blog post is a serialized story continued from HNT - Spud Wars: Alex Attacks

As Alexander was struggling under the mighty attack of Darth and his clones, and just as he was about to give up, a disembodied voice came to him.

"Alex," It was the voice of Mister Bunny.

"Mister Bunny," Alexander said. "Why are you coming to me in a vision as if you've died?"

"I have died," Mister Bunny said. "Even before this "slightly re-booted" version of the original tale, I died of old age waiting for this damn Darth Tater story to end."

"Re-booted story?" Alexander said. "What are you talking about?"

"Worry yourself not over this," Mister Bunny said, reverting to Yoda-speak. "A self-referential mention intended to inspire laughter in the reader was all that this mention is. Let's get back to the issue at hand. I'm here to give you advice, young friend. Use the forks!"

"I would if I could," Alexander said. "But I don't see any forks around here."

"Hmm," Mister Bunny said. "What about the farce? Can you use the farce?"

"Hasn't this farce gone on long enough?" Alexander responded. "C'mon! Give me something to use here, man!"

Mister Bunny's specter started to fade, and as it did he said this: "Just remember, you're stronger than you seem, braver that you believe and smarter than you think . . ."

"Oh sure, it's not bad enough that you're a bizarre spoof of Yoda and Obi-Wan, but now you're ripping off the advice that Christopher Robin tells Winnie The Pooh in "The Search for Christopher Robin"

Fed up, and thinking it's about time this story had more pictures than text, Alexander broke free from the hold Darth had on him, fell to the floor, and launched an all-out attack on the clones, smashing them with a series of punches, chops and kicks.

Wailing out a steady battle cry, he kept kicking and punching and chopping at them until they were nothing but a pile of Tater parts on the ground. And, with just his main nemesis of Darth Tater left, he lifted him into the air . . .

. . . and put him into a special Jedi-inspired arm-lock.

"Do you give, do you give?" Alexander said, with an iron-tight grip on his foe.

"Er, I gave at the office," Darth Tater said.

"No," Alexander said. "I mean, do you give up?"

"Yes, of course, I give, I give," Darth Tater said. "But, please put me down, I have something important to say . . ."

To be continued . . . next Thursday

What IS Darth about to say? Is he going to say he's is dying of boredome just like Mister Bunny? Are YOU ready to die of boredom yet? (Mister Bunny, died, BTW, in the middle of the original telling of this storyline back in 2006, and much like Obi-Wan and Yoda, his presence and sage advice is still felt in the Leslie household)

* The font used for the SPUD WARS logo above came from Boba Fonts on Fontspace - check out all their cool designs.

 

HNT - Spud Wars: Alex Attacks

This blog post is a serialized story continued from HNT - Spud Wars: Mark's Last Stand

Upon discovering that Darth Tater and his army of clones had killed his father, Alexander launched a quick attack.

"I'll mash you all!" he screamed as he lunged into the room. "I shall take vengeance for my father's death at your dirty little spud hands!"

(Okay, in all honesty, it actually came out sounding more like: "Yeeeeaaaah! Egobbledy!" But really, you must allow the writer a little creative licence because that's exactly what the toddler meant in that battle cry)


"You will not succeed, spawn of the wretched man who ate my father!" Darth Tater announced, then turned to his army and said: "Eliminate him in the manner we eradicated his paternal unit."

"Huh?" one of the spud clones said.

Darth sighed. "Kill him!"

Alexander's attack was efficient and brutal, the way you might imagine an energetic toddler would crash his way through a room full of toys.

With giant steps he squished several of the Tater clones under his feet, and with Batman-like grace, style and cartoon captions which magically appeared in the air, he pummeled several of the clones into pieces of so much dead spud.


Yet, despite the youth's initial upper hand, the sheer number of Tater's attacking him put him off balance.

He fell back onto the couch as the clones began their redoubled efforts, lead by the leader, Darth himself, who felt he finally had the advantage.



Will Alexander get out of his current predicament? Will he pull a classic "Batman" move and pull out his anti-potato spray? Does anybody reading this realize the "Batman" references are made to the original cheesy television show and not the continually re-imagined series of movies made in the past twenty or so years?

To be continued in Spud Wars: The Final Standoff

To find out what happens next in this very silly story (But really, who has the patience or even the attention span to have continued this far in the story?) check back next Thursday for the continuing multi-generational, serialized, syndicated and re-booted storyline of . . .

* The font used for the SPUD WARS logo above came from Boba Fonts on Fontspace - check out all their cool designs.

HNT - Spud Wars: Mark's Last Stand

This blog post is a serialized story continued from HNT - Spud Wars: Darth's Revenge (Part II)

Just as Mark thought he was going to reach the forks and be able to use them against the army of cloned Darth Taters, one of the dozens of spuds attacking him stepped in and kicked the forks out of his reach away.

Mark was left with nothing more than his bare hands to fight the swarming taters.


But, without use of the forks he was unable to stop the deadly attack.

Although he tried desperately to get out of the situation, it was just too much.

In a very anticlimactic and disappointing plot turn, Mark was killed. Darth and his army of clones were victorious.

Darth himself stood at the head of his enemy's dead body and told his clones to stand aside.

"We must honour our enemy," Darth said. "And treat his downfall with the respect he truly deserves."



When the clones all stepped away, Darth stood silently, regarding his fallen enemy. Then he took off his mask, took a deep breath and said . . .



"Nah, Nah. In your face, Mark. In your face! Nah, Nah! I'm better than yoooou." Then he did a little happy dance and started to bop around singing "Nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah. Heeeeeey, Goooooodbye."

But in the middle of his dance and celebration, a voice could be heard. "My Daddy! What have you done to my Daddy?"



It was Mark's son, Alexander. And boy did he look pissed.

To be continued next week in HNT - Spud Wars: Alex Attacks

With his father lying dead on the floor, victim of a clone spud attack, will Alexander achieve the revenge he seeks? More importantly, did Alexander bring any ketchup along so he can enjoy the fruits of his victory? (Seriously, has anybody ever seen a toddler attack a group of toys? Let's be honest here - Darth and his army don't stand a chance, now do they?) And if Mark is dead, how could he be writing this blog post? Isn't that one of those strange loophole stories where you find at the very end the POV character as narrator has died? Except, of course Mark isn't the first person narrator of this tale, I AM . . . and . . . er, okay, let's not go there . . .

To find out what happens next in this very silly story check back next Thursday for the continuing multi-generational storyline of . . .

* The font used for the SPUD WARS logo above came from Boba Fonts on Fontspace - check out all their cool designs.

HNT - Spud Wars: Darth's Revenge (Part II)

This blog post is a serialized story continued from HNT - Spud Wars: Darth's Revenge (Part I)

The attack of the Darth clones was swift and ruthless (unlike this meandering storyline which is seeming to take forever just to get to a good action sequence).  But despite it's "long time coming" nature, the aforementioned attack completely caught Mark by surprise. (He is rarely accused of being the brightest bulb in the box)

He was able to step on a few of the spuds.

He was able to poke perhaps half a dozen eyes, muttering a "nyuck nyuck" type sound like one of the Three Stooges.

He was able, even, to knock a few out of the air and squeeze a few in his hands, like an overzealous and anxious senior squeezing fruit at the supermarket.



But the never-ending onslaught of Darth Taters was too much.

For with every spud he was able to defeat, another two stepped into their place.

Mark was seriously outnumbered.

As blow after blow struck his thick, balding head, Mister Bunny's words of wisdom came to him. "Use the forks, Mark. Use the forks."

The Taters forced him off of his feet, and he fell to the floor not far from the forks he'd been practicing with moments before that fateful knock on the door which led to this attack.

"Dammit," he said, wishing he'd spent more time practicing on the forks and less time practicing playing the spoons. But the 7th Doctor Who in that series made playing the spoons so appealing that he just couldn't help himself -- even, he thought, if it was a different science-fiction reference than the Lucas-inspired one he'd been in for this tale.

He desperately reached out, but was still inches away from reaching his weapon of choice.



To be continued . . . in HNT - Spud Wars: Mark's Last Stand


Will Mark be able to use the forks to get out of his current predicament? Will the Darth Tater clones be victorious in their revenge? Will Mark ever get the chance to play the spoons again? Did Spoons, a new-wave band from the 80's that started near Hamilton, even play their hit song "Romantic Traffic" on the spoons? Can we please get back to asking questions pertinent to this story? Will Mark regret eating Darth Tater's father with a light dusting of salt and dipped in ketchup?

Will this silly Darth Tater series ever come to an end or will it continue to stretch out like this in short bursts with poorly created "Photoshopped" pictures?

If by some strange chance you're actually enjoying the goofy story, you can find some answers next week in the continuing story of . . .

* The font used for the SPUD WARS logo above came from Boba Fonts on Fontspace - check out all their cool designs.

 

HNT - Spud Wars: Darth's Revenge (Part 1)

This blog post is a serialized story continued from HNT- Spud Wars: When Darth Comes Knocking


When we last left off, Darth and his gang of clones had approached Mark's house, marching two by two hurrah, hurrah. The clones went marching two by two hurrah, hurrah. The clones went marching two by two, the little one stopped to change his shoes and they all went marching down . . . . [whoops, sorry, the writer got caught in a phrase that was too similar to a repetetive song that is now stuck in his head . . . silly ear-worm!]

Once the clone army of spuds had arrived, the group of clones hid while Darth knocked on the door and tricked an unsuspecting Mark into opening it.

Expecting to see the Avon lady, Mark (who had apparently grown a Van Dyke patch of hair on his face in the time it took for the clone spuds to be grown), was surprised to see his old nemesis Darth Tater standing in the doorway.

"I lied," Darth said.

"Pardon me?" Mark responded, still reeling from the shock but not forgetting his wife's continual prodding that the polite response when you don't initially hear or understand someone is to say "Pardon me?" rather than "What?" or "Huh?" or "Eh?"

"When we played the 'knock, knock' game just a moment ago, I lied. When you said 'Who's there?' I said I was the Avon lady. That was just to get you to open the door. Now that the door is opened, I'd like to change my response because I thought of a better line. So, can you ask who's there again?"

"What's the point?" Mark asked. "I already know who is there."

"It's for comedic effect, you idiot."

"Oh, alright then." Mark said. "Geez, the things I do just to get a cheap laugh around here. Okay, are you ready?"

"Yep."

"Who's there?"

"Vera.'"

"Vera?" Mark asked. "Vera who?"

"Vera gonna kill you!" Darth wailed, and, as he let out a battle cry, the hidden clones all jumped out of hiding, launching a quick and ruthless attack on their enemy.

To be continued . . . in Darth's Revenge (Part II)

Startled? Confused? Frightened? Let's just hope that you're not wearing as goofy a look as Mark is in that first picture accompanying the story. As was promised last week, the "special effects" in this story, which feature really cheap "Photoshopping" techniques have just begun. (But it should be noted that the Van Dyke on Mark's face IS real and not a special effect) Don't those special effects add a nice element that helps you get over the crappy story and lame jokes? 

If this tale hasn't yet put you to sleep or turned you off reading this blog, check back next Thursday for details of the viscious Darth attack in the continuing story of . . .

* The font used for the SPUD WARS logo above came from Boba Fonts on Fontspace - check out all their cool designs.